I guess I have to start by asking you to forgive me. If anyone reads this, then you know that I can be a little dramatic with the tittles of my blogs. Almost as dramatic as Carrie from sex in the city. I’ve actually never seen the show at all but I know that she writes and narrates her own life. While hers is filled with excitement and sex mine is filled with depression and slight regrets. Anyway, While walking today I heard one of my favorite songs by one of that bands that I use to love called From Autumn to Ashes. The name of the song(which is the tittle of the blog) was always a song that made me pretty emotional especially when it got to the end of the song. To me, its a song about how much you want to be near someone so badly that it hurts but you have to let go, and I guess, that’s what this is about. This blog will be me talking about the feelings that I had during my last relationship and the things that were going on inside of me and my head. This is not a blaming session, but just something that I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for the longest time and it hurts a lot for me to say this and it may others in the process but I guess that’s what you get for honesty.
One of the blogs that I wrote about the ex girlfriend before this one states how I knew before it even happened that it wasn’t gonna last long. The same could be said for this one as well. It’s really odd to me that before I get into a relationship with someone I know it isn’t gonna last long. I knew this relationship wasn’t gonna last long for a few reasons but I guess there was two main reasons why I knew. The first one was infidelity. I’ve been holding this in for a long time and it’s been eating me up inside the whole time. As stern as I am about infidelity I was the perpetrator of such a cowardly act. I should have been honest about things but getting the attention that I wasn’t receiving physically and having someone to talk to about my failing relationship was appealing to me. It was also appealing to me that I could finally have someone that I wanted years ago. Which also leads me to my next reason why I didn’t think it was gonna last long. The other reason why I didn’t think it was gonna last long was because of the history between us. I stopped talking to her for about 6-7 years because I felt like I was being used. I didn’t have any time for that(pardon the pop culture phrase). When she messaged me after years of adding me on social media we finally talked about the situation and I forgave her then it became a friendship or what would be the starting of a friendship. Unknown to me that it would actually turn into a relationship. As it bloomed into a relationship, it started to come to me that even though she did genuinely liked me that it felt like she was looking for what could have been all those years ago rather who I was now and the mind frame that I was in now. I’m no psychologist but it seems to be that when people make mistakes and they have a chance to re-live it and make it better they will. In all fairness, everyone has the right to, but when you do it with memories from a time long ago it’s never really up to your expectation when you start getting into the thick of it.
Even though many years passed without us talking, I think that since we had the same friends I was always around in her head somewhere. When we finally got to talking again all those feelings that she had came back for me. On my side I was still just interesting in getting to know someone and be friends with someone that I haven’t talked to in so long. Of course I should have done it without putting my wenis in her but we both knew (or at least I thought knew) what the deal was. My problem was not only that I was In/ getting out of a relationship but that I could never reach her level of enthusiasm about her as she did me. Even our first meeting was put up on a pedestal that I could never reach. I felt like she fell for me way faster then she should have. I even think she fell in love with me way before it was actually said. Even though I let it progress, it was a lot of pressure for me to feel the same way about her so quickly that she has me because not only am I not a fan of relationships, but whatever relationship I get into they always end up progressing faster then I know what to do with. I guess this would prove to be the case for this one. At times I wonder if it would have been easier for me to say no to the option/ultimatum of her asking me if I wanted to do this because she didn’t want to be a hook up. At least with me. To be honest, I wasn’t really ready for another relationship after literally just getting out of one but I said why not. And like I said earlier, I had a chance to be with someone from my past that I always wanted to be with so I went down that rabbit hole of days past. Maybe I should have said no so I could find myself or just be by myself for a while. It took me a year or so to really get over my ex and be friends with her and my gf (and before she was that) had to deal with this the whole time and I appreciate her for dealing with that. It’s really a lot for someone to be cool or somewhat cool and understanding of a person trying to get over someone while being with them.
I think this relationship ended because of insecurities on both sides. My side was that I didn’t want to be controlled, be dependent, and I didn’t want my career to be derailed by a woman. The way I grew up was very independent and not needing of anyone. My problem with being controlled is that I’ve seen so many men in relationships just get lose their balls because they are so controlled by relationships that they would do anything a woman says to just stay with them instead of being themselves and putting their foot down when needed. I’ve seen so many women just rule over their boyfriends or husbands and I knew I didn’t want that for myself. While she wasn’t like that, there were little things here and there that I would not go for which led me to act like or do asshole things rather then just talk about it in an adult way. I’m quite sure you people know what I’m talking about and could understand my problem and dilemma. The other thing is that I’m not a dependent person. I don’t depend on others to make me happy and I don’t depend on a women to do things for me. I don’t depend on a woman to cook, clean, or do any of the stereotypical woman duties that they have been accustomed to over the years. Women have been taught so much to pick up and take up after men because it’s the “right thing” to do that I don’t want to contribute to such a idealistic notion of the past. I don’t mind if these are the things that you want to do but don’t do them for me so you can validate yourself by my happiness, I want you do it because it makes you happy doing it. I feel like a lot of women do things for their boyfriends or spouses to make themselves feel good not for them but for the other person. If I do something nice for someone I’m not doing it to validate myself and make myself feel like a good person, I do it because I wanted to and it means nothing to me to do it. I feel like when women do things for men they end up bringing he shit up when things go sour or they are having an argument. like “I’ve done this and this for you”. Why would I want to go through or hear that shit when I can stop it before it starts? The last thing is that at this point comedy is too important to me. At the time when we met comedy was important but it was still just a dream but it didn’t become that important to me until months and a year into our relationship. The time when it wasn’t important I had more time on my hands so I called and texted a lot more. When I starting hanging out with a group of comics that were serious it got me serious about doing this as well so my nights were filled with going out a few time a week and doing comedy which enabled me not to be there as much as I should have been. I could have tried harder but I didn’t and I guess this is the consequence. I just know that I’ve seen so many comics that just either stop doing comedy or just put less focus into comedy when they get a spouse that I knew this isn’t how I wanted to be. It really bothers me that comics do this. All of this all fits into one category of being controlled and dependent. The problem is that most girls don’t see what they are doing and the ones that do don’t care or see it as a nice thing that a person would give up their attempt at a good career because of some annoying girl thing that proves they are more important. It’s selfish! but then again, so is being a comic.
On her side (like I said I’m not psychologist) I think her insecurity was that she didn’t have a relationship where she felt like the most important thing in the world to someone. She tried to tell me no, but everything she has ever told me was that the relationships she has had have been shitty. If not being cheated on numerous times, then there is physical and mental abuse. Whenever a person goes through all of this and sees how “normal” people have relationships then they want the same thing because it’s something they’ve never had. And in all fairness they deserve to have it because not every person is going to be that much of a douche. Outside of that what she was really looking for was someone to treat her like she would them or like she would others. She is a very caring and giving person. A little bit too caring which leads her to get hurt or emotional very quickly. She would deny it, but I would say that she was a pretty needy person. Her real big need was to have someone need her as much as she needed them. I couldn’t really give this to her because of two reasons. The first reason was because I didn’t need her that much. I got my needs met by strangers that I made laugh without any judgement. We’ve literally gotten into fights over stupid and senseless twitter jokes that I wrote. How can I need you when we fight over stupid shit that goes into the ether that no one cares about? Outside of this I tried to tell her that even though I don’t need you as much doesn’t mean you can’t need me. You don’t have to match my not need so we can be equal. We don’t have to be the same on everything. No one in a relationship is 100% the same on anything. The way I, and, the reason why I love you may not be the same way and reason why you love me. That’s what makes relationships work. We’ve actually gotten into arguments over this too. Why do you love me or why do you want to be with me? Her answers would be so in depth and mines would be just simple and to the point. It doesn’t mean I love you less or I don’t feel the same way. I have my reasons and they don’t need to be grandiose. Anyway, the other reason why I didn’t really need her is because she’s use to people needing her so much that it hurts her. When you grow up with people needing you so much you search for it through other things and when you don’t get it the way you want you get upset. The thing that annoyed me is that you want people to need you but when you are depended on so much that you complain about it. I just couldn’t win there. I though I was doing her a favor by not depending on her on her or needed her as much as she wanted to get her away from that type of thinking but instead I was just an asshole that couldn’t pay attention to her wants and needs. I never really knew my quirks, annoyances, and insecurities until I met her and the girl before her. The thing that has been really hard for me to confront as a comic and as a person is my insecurities. I think everyone needs to reflect on who they are and how they are so they could either get better at it or just know it so when it comes up they can have a real conversation about it. I think this is something especially for ladies to do because not many people tell them because of the emotional level that they are on.
In conclusion, I realized what my mistake was with this whole thing. It wasn’t just balance but it was not living life. On the way to a show one of my comedy buddies was telling me about an article that Mike Lawrence wrote that pretty much told younger comics to enjoy and live life. It’s ok that comedy is your main focus but you have to enjoy life as well. Go out there and have fun, have a girlfriend, do stupid shit. What it really does for you is make you gain experiences on what life is about that you will be able to talk about later and have people who’ve been through the same shit relate to you. Of course you don’t have a girlfriend for material but with any relationship there comes material because (in my opinion) relationships are the same. They make take different paths to get to the happiness or the problems but they are more or less the same. The guys still do lame shit, the girl still want to do lame shit. Guys get weird and ladies get crazy. It’s all part of the general formula to life. Going out partying and getting ridiculously drunk and having stories about it. Life is meant to be enjoyed. For me the main thing is finding someone that I can not only have an awesome time with but someone who is ok with the idea that I need to be out a couple of nights a week or most nights a week and still be comfortable with the fact that I want them and want to come home to be happy with them. It’s really all about security in yourself that makes things work. There were a lot of things that contributed to the ending of this relationship but it’s too much to go into the main this is that despite them all I still wanted to be with her. Part of me isn’t sure if it’s because I still want her or because I don’t want to be alone but I know for sure that I could be better then I was. Especially now that I’m here in the same city. My other problem was thinking way too much in future and not knowing what it’s really like to be a comic in the city. It’s not as glamourous as I thought it was gonna be which allows me to be very balance of the two. Out of all this I realize that life is full of choices and she made hers and I made mine. Hers was to not be with me and to be happy with someone else and mine was to tell people about my life in a funny way. I can’t really tell at this point if choosing comedy was a good decision but I guess we’ll find out in the end. If it’s not, then I guess we’ll know that this short story will probably have a tragic ending.
Vernon Payne 