So before I start writing this, I just want you to know that I am currently in a relationship, so everything that I will say will be a bit contradictory. But this really something I had to get off my chest. So there.
For a long time in my life all I ever wanted was to be with someone. Growing up you see how great relationships could be, or how people you share your life with could make you feel great about yourself. All of this I wanted up until about maybe 5 years ago. Not being in a real relationship for the past 10 years, being in random shitty relationships that last about a week or month, and seeing how my peers act in relationships make me realize that I really don’t want to be in a relationship and that they suck. To me they are a big waist of time, effort and emotion. And at this moment I will like to list some reasons why.
1)Labels- I don’t like labels. To me he label of BF/GF complicates things and thinking. For some reason as soon a person enters a relationship they automatically start thinking and planning for the future because they think this person is going to be with them forever. There isn’t enough critical thinking in relationships. The thought of forever is just stupid. Who is to say that this person is going to be with you forever or even “love” you forever. Life and feelings change. I don’t see the need to get yourself all wrapped in feelings that will soon end after the courtship period is over. Personally I don’t like labels because I can’t get comfortable with being a “WE”. For some reason it just bugs me out. We can do this, we can go here, we can eat this. I mean I know a lot of it makes a lot of sense and it’s great for a communication, but it just gets to me sometimes. Another thing that gets to be about labels is that after a certain amount of time there is a level of comfortability that I just can’t get with. Which leads to my next topic.
2)Comfortablility- I don’t know about you, but I can never feel 100% comfortable in relationships. To me it seems like when people get too comfortable they forget why they fell for their significant other in the first place. They stop doing doing things that they use to do with no problem. They stop saying I love you, they stop trying to impress you, and they(for some reason) stop having sex with you. When people get comfortable they end up having all these body issues that make them all insecure and then they stop feeling sexy and in turn stop having sex with you. Then after turning off their sexual feeling towards you and turning every sexual advance that you hand out they end up cheating on you to feel “sexy” again. Um…btw, I’m not sure who this has happened to, but I’m quite sure this happens. Or at least that what happened in my steamy sex novel. My point is that after a while people stop trying to impress you. Relationships should be constant impressing because “love” or whatever you believe isn’t forever and if you really care for the person and think that they are great for you, then you should be able to show it to them the same way you use to when you first got together. I can never fully get comfortable in a relationship because I am always thinking that I have nothing to offer. I am always thinking that maybe they don’t like me, maybe I don’t fuck them good enough, Maybe I don’t have enough of what they want, or that maybe they could find somebody better then me so I better show my appreciation for them however I can to reassure them of my feelings. My lack of comfortability and trust always fucks me up in the head because I am constantly thinking that either my girlfriend is cheating on me or that maybe I am not good enough for her. I would like to feel comfortable but I am never exactly sure how anyone feels about me. The fuck up thing about it is when someone actually tells me I don’t believe them because I think I am nothing special. I have a friend who I recently started talking to again after 6 years of not speaking because I felt that she was using me. Now that we’ve started talking again she tells me how she felt about me then and now and I can’t really believe it because my mind doesn’t want me to. This is something I feel like I should work on, but in order not to get hurt I have to convince myself that I am not that cool. OK, that’s enough of that. On to the next one.
3) Love and Marriage- This topic is a great song that is sung by Frank Sinatra, but it is also something that I don’t believe in. I’ve had sometime to think about this and I’ve come to except somethings about the idea of “Love”. If you know me, then you know that I don’t believe in love. “True love” to me doesn’t exist. I don’t fully believe in the idea of love. I believe more in the things that make it up. To me the idea of love only exist because of religion. Religion paints this picture of unconditional love that a so called “God” has for his creations, when in fact it is anything but that. I mean what kind of god has to prove a point to his arch nemesis to prove a point that people will love and worship him no matter what he does to them. To me that doesn’t seem like love. To me if you invest all your being into love it will just tear you up inside. In my opinion you’re just setting yourself up for failure and heartache. But like I said earlier I have come to except something about the meaning of the word. While I don’t believe in the word itself, I do believe in the things that make up the word. I believe in the components of the idea. I believe in liking somebody so much that you don’t want to be without them, I believe in that feeling you get when you hold someones had, I believe in the feeling you get when you hold the person you care about in your arms. All those things that make it up I can get with and I fully support. It’s the the other bullshit about how “love” is supposed to be that I can’t get with. That’s not to say that I’ve never told anyone that I loved them. The last time I told a person that I loved them in the traditional meaning was when I was 17 and I was dating my high school girlfriend. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve told someone till last year when I was dating the “Lesbian”. The night that I got frustrated with her I told her that I think we should stop, I hope everything goes well in her life, and that I love her. I meant every word of it. I didn’t mean love in the traditional sense, but in the way that I mean it and I still stand by what I said. Funny thing is that I catch myself almost about to say it at times with my current girlfriend and I hold back. I find myself saying it because sometimes the world “like” isn’t always the best word to use when you’re in an intimate situation( I don’t mean sex, I mean just a really cool embrace or something). It’s not necessarily that I mean the word “love” in the traditional sense or sometimes the way I mean it, it’s just the right world to use at times. I told my girlfriend about two months ago while driving that I “like” her face. It was suppose to be a complement and a expression of how I feel about her, instead I turned it into what a stalker would say in a love letter. I say the word “like” to her a lot because I don’t want to freak her out. Even maybe reading this she may freak out and I am deathly afraid of that. I am afraid because we have only been dating for about 6 months and I doubt she has any feeling or slight feelings for me like that. To be honest, I don’t really fully know how she feels about me which makes me a bit more uncomfortable. I’m not saying that I am in “love” or that I “love” her, I am just saying at times the word itself makes sense to use at opportune times. Oh, before I forget this part was about love and marriage. To put plain and simple- Marriage is stupid, meaningless, and nobody should ever do it. If you want to get married, just cut off your balls now. If you don’t believe me watch married with children or hang out with a married couple. That’s all.
So like I stated earlier and throughout this blog is that I am currently in a relationship. Why would a person who is a relationship write a whole thing about how he hates relationships? Well the answer is because I can and I just wanted whoever to read this know my ideas about something to me that isn’t really needed in today’s society. I think people do quite well without labels. The funny thing is that even with all of this that I’ve said, I really enjoy being in this relationship. Even with all the bullshit arguments and disagreements that we go through I still like being in a relationship with a really amazing woman. I haven’t had anyone that I can actually talk to about real life things that “likes” me to stick my penis in her in a very long time. I will say that after her, I don’t want to be in a relationship ever again. I really don’t like them. But what makes me stick with this one and not give up like I want to sometimes is( and this is gonna get into the idea behind Mike Birbiglia’s last stand up), that even though I don’t like relationships or believe in all the things I’ve stated above, is that I really “LIKE” and believe in her and us. She knows all of my insecurities, she knows how I feel about love, life, family,relationships, and she still wants to be with me for some reason. You have to respect a person for that. Most girls will leave you once they know all the shit that is traditional that you don’t want to do or won’t budge on and she stays with me(for now until she gets tired of my shit, but still that is something I will never understand). Even if we don’t last for a long time, I have to say that this was the best adult relationship that I’ve ever had. Whether this last another week, month, or year this has been the best time I have ever had. The person who follows her has some big shoes to fill.
Vernon Payne 