2015 was a hell of a year for me-in a good way, or that’s at least that’s what I like to think. The beginning of ’15 really starts with the end 2014. You see, ’14 was really about my sexual awakening and trying to get over my ex girlfriend by sticking my penis in a bunch of people. Of course, most people know(that are intelligent anyway) that having sex with tons of people to get over a former lover isn’t a healthy way to do such a thing. Time… it’s time, that really allows you to get over a thing. And that’s all I really needed. And the resolution I made for ’15 allowed me to do so. But to talk about ’15, again, I must start with the end of ’14. Near the end of that year I was on the verge of becoming homeless. And at the same time, I was in my tinder success. I met a girl from Australia(who at the time I thought might be that far away land person that I would end up with. Such Disney thinking about relationships), who I liked, and in the new year ended up taking me to Hawaii*(you can read that in the other blog). 2015 started off amazing! I got to go to a place that I’ve only heard about and read about in books. A place that I’ve only seen on TV. I got to experience something that most people that come from where I’m from will never experience. Even though I had a horrible time with the Aussy, I had an amazing experience. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. With that, getting over my ex was well on it’s way. But little did I know that the relationship bug would get to me. My quest to find a girl to actually date for real would be a hard one and it’s still filled with me being down with OPP.
You see, me being, or wanting to be in a relationship was a pretty selfish one. The basis of me wanting to be in a relationship was not only to stop having sex with multiple people or just a bunch of people , but, to prove to myself that I’m not a shitty boyfriend. My last relationship and a relationship from fifteen years ago would just haunt me. I’ve never been able to really keep my feelings or penis to and for one person. I needed to know that I could do this. I got back on the tinder and Ok Cupid to actually find someone. Weirdly, I messaged a girl that I use to date on Tinder on Ok Cupid. We got to talking and she was in the same space that I was in of not sleeping around anymore and just settling down. So it was easy for us to try and do so because we had chemistry back then and when we actually met up to hangout it was still there. Unfortunately, it didn’t workout between us because I wouldn’t date her if she decided to be a man(yes, she was a white girl and it’s a long story), and, because she felt that I wasn’t remorseful over the stuff that happened in my last relationship, which is bullshit and not fair cause she has no idea for how long it’s fucked me up for. So something that seems like a sure thing just wasn’t. I continued on my search.
Later on in the year I started seeing a girl that I use to date in high school*( that would be that 15 year ago relationship that I was haunted by because of my fuck ups.) At the same time I was “seeing” a comic who I’ve been chasing for a year and every time I tried I got the no, but then eventually, we started doing what adults do in a hotel room. I actually really liked this person but I needed a second chance at a 15 year fuck up so I didn’t pay enough attention to my feeling for this person. I did tell her what the deal was(which is the most honest I’ve ever been with a girl I was interested in. Of course I learned that from my past relationship and my growth to be more honest). We stopped seeing each other, then, a few weeks later the other girl and I stopped seeing each other. So there I was again, in a pickle. Who was gonna make a “more honest” man out of me?
Funny thing is that maybe 3-4 months later the same thing happened with both girls again. But this time there was a change of feeling. I started seeing the comic and I actually ended up liking her more then I did high school girl. The comic made me jump through hoops for so long, was a bit of a pain in the ass, mouthy, but I think that’s what I liked about her. She was an asshole and so was I. We we’re good. Unfortunately/ fortunately, I ended up having sex with high school girl and everything that led up to that made me think that I was still in love with her. I realized that it was just a second chance at a mistake that kept those feeling from staying on a sabbatical. A little time after reflecting I realized that I wasn’t in love with her. Sadly, that time it took to realize this, the comic stopped seeing me. For whatever reason I’ll never know, but it is what it is. That’s really my fault not listing to my feelings for her like I should have the first two times. That I’ll have to get over at some point.
Now, I don’t want you to think that 2015 was just wall about women. Of course, they have a definite roll in my life and the reason why I am the way I am now, but it’s not all about them. 2015 was good to me for comedy. I was getting comedy spots on the reg and just enjoying life with friends. But like all good things….they must come to an end. The spots started to stop and I started to get depressed about comedy. I just thought I was silly to move here. I’m never gonna be the comic that I really want to be. Greatly, that all changed when I went to see a comedy buddy that I met at a show just to see what’s up with him. He then invited me to a spot that he had, and I went, even though I wasn’t really in the mood. It turns out going to that show was the best thing that I’ve ever done. It brought me out of my funk. When I arrived at the show, my comedy buddy introduced me to the guy who put on the show and he ended up giving me a spot in the beginning and I did well. It was a “black show”. I’ve haven’t done a black show in a very long time and coming up and still at times I’m afraid of all black shows cause I’m not that kinda black comic. But I couldn’t of had a better time. Doing that show got my confidence back and ever since then I’ve been on a path of trying to make a name for myself. Or at least try. Failure is not an option.
Out of everything that happened in 2015, one thing is the main factor, and that’s growth. You see, being caught in feelings and mistakes of the past always haunted me. I always felt that if I ever got a second chance I’d make whatever I did right. But in life you can’t really make things right when so much time has passed. The only thing you could do move on. Even if you get the chance to make it right, don’t. Live for the now. I learned with high school girl that she doesn’t really remember anything really. It’s just me that holds all these things because I felt bad for so long. I held on to old feelings and sadness for way too long. Time for me to move on. The same thing goes for the comic. I’ve spent time trying to get her, and, for what? Not the get the decency of text back when needed. Not putting in the same effort that I initially put in and continued to put in to see her. With this, I move on. My goal now is to see people who want to put in the same effort into me as I would put into them. It’s only fair. I’ve also decided that I should put my foot forward with comedy. The only way to make it is to force it and put yourself out there. This is something I’ve never done. I’ve always waited for people to check me out. But no one is every gonna check you out if you don’t make them. This is what I learned from getting that spot on that show. Everything in 2015 leads up to a positive mind for 2016. A goal to make something out of myself. No more making things of the past affect me. So to all the girls I’ve ever loved or lied to, I’m sorry. I really am. So on to a new year and on to a new Awakening.
1*) blog: worst tinder date ever
2*) Teenage love
Vernon Payne 